


The Avenger Who Knew What He Had Lost

by Jetainia



Series: What they had lost [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Tahiti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jetainia/pseuds/Jetainia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint Barton was missing something, he knew what it was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avenger Who Knew What He Had Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Seeing as people seemed to like The Agent Who Didn't Know What He Had Lost, I decided to write another one from Clint's point of view. Enjoy!

Clint was devastated; he had lost his whole world while he wasn’t even himself. Natasha understood, Natasha always understood. He didn’t quite remember what had happened when he was under Loki’s control but he remembered what had happened before and after. He hadn’t seen Phil for awhile; he had been tied up in New York with paperwork while Clint had been sent to look after the glowing cube of power.

Hawkeye, Agent of SHIELD, had spent his days watching scientists run around excitedly as well as pulling their hair out when science didn’t work like it should. Hawkeye spent his days looking at a cube of glowing blue that did nothing but glow. Clint missed his husband.

Then came the day when the cube-that-did-nothing-but-glow-blue did something other than glow blue, it spat out an Asgardian. Clint had already encountered Loki in New Mexico; he knew that the man was trouble. He also knew that one arrow wouldn’t do much to stop him so he left his nest and dropped to the ground.

That was when Loki touched his staff to Clint’s chest and said those terrible words. _You have heart_. His memory was foggy after that, he could only see glimpses. He knew he was in Germany at some point, that he had fought against SHIELD and that he had stormed the helicarrier. Natasha stopped him, it was always Natasha and if it wasn’t Natasha, it was Phil.

Clint didn’t get much time to recover before he and the rest of the ragtag team that had somehow formed went to New York and fought Loki and his army of aliens. It wasn’t everyone who could say they had fought against a Norse God along with a bunch of aliens and won. Tony Stark was rambling about shawarma but Clint didn’t really care, he wanted to see Phil and make sure he was alright.

Unfortunately, no one says no to Tony Stark and Clint found himself accompanying his new team to a somewhat demolished shawarma joint. Natasha was hovering very close to him as they walked and sat right next to him when they arrived, things she only did when she was scared or concerned. That was when the words he had vaguely heard Stark say over the comms penetrated his mind.

_“There’s another guy you pissed off, his name was Phil.”_ Was, his name _was_ Phil. Clint grasped Natasha hand and she immediately seemed to know what was going through his mind, her eyes watered.

“Tash, please, not him, anyone but him.”

“I’m sorry Clint; there was nothing anyone could do. He went to stop Loki and Loki stabbed him in the back.”

Clint stood up abruptly and Natasha let him go. He fled from the team and their happiness that the battle was over, he fled to the highest rooftop he could find and stood right at the edge. Phil would have had a heart attack if he saw him now, had already had several if he was to be believed except Phil was dead.

Phil was dead and he would never scold Clint for worrying him again. He would never again survive on just coffee and doughnuts until Clint arrived to drag him away from the office to sleep. Clint would no longer be able to go to Phil’s office, drape himself over the couch that was there specifically for him and relax in the comfort of his husband’s presence. Clint grabbed one of the arrows remaining in his quiver and fired at a random target, continuing to do so until he had ran out, which is when he collapsed onto the rooftop and cried.

Natasha found him, of course. She didn’t say anything, just gently pried the bow from his hands and held him as he clung to her. At least it wasn’t raining; Clint didn’t think he could handle it if it rained. He wasn’t the boy who had met another boy, liked the boy, got together with the boy, and then broke up with the boy for some reason and walked away crying in the rain before everything ended with a happily ever after.

They eventually made it off of the rooftop and Stark invited the whole team to stay in his tower which he was now proudly calling the ‘Avengers’ tower. Everyone agreed to stay at least until Loki had left with Thor for Asgard. Once that happened all bets were off, Rogers was probably going to go on a road trip and acclimatise to the times he was now in. The rest of them didn’t really have any plans but they would either go their separate ways or stay in New York.

Clint had no idea what he was going to do, Natasha did however. After the goodbye party for Loki she bundled him up into a car and took him away from the memories. She kept him away from New York for a month, took him to Peru but made them leave just before the army started having fun. After that it was to Malta which they then evacuated when Ian Quinn’s part of the island sank into the ocean.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

New York was almost recovered when the duo returned and Natasha forced him to move permanently into the Avengers Tower and wouldn’t allow him to even go close to the apartment he had had with Phil. Instead she went and cleared it out, moving most of the things into a storage space and giving the remaining to Clint.

That was where they stayed, both of them living in the Avengers tower with Stark as the other members of the team slowly migrated back to New York as well. SHIELD started sending them out as a team to deal with the missions that required more than the usual teams. In a couple of months the Avengers were working like a well-oiled machine and Clint was starting to stop expecting Phil to turn up as if nothing had happened.

Six months after the Battle of New York and Clint wasn’t spending every night shooting arrows in the range Stark had set or crying into the pillows that didn’t smell of Phil. He went into SHIELD occasionally to keep up with the gossip but otherwise he stayed in the tower or wandered the streets unless he was fighting.

On one of those gossip gathering days he was travelling through the ceiling vents when he heard the magic word, _Coulson_. Two agents were walking by underneath him talking about something called the ‘Overkill Device’ in South Ossetia and mentioning the name _Coulson_. Along with Ward and someone called Fitz. Clint followed the agents and listened to the conversation as they walked away.

“You reckon that Fitz kid can handle the mission?”

“He was good enough for Agent Coulson to like him, plus he’s got Agent Ward to deal with the difficult stuff.”

“Word is that they’ve got the Calvary too, I thought she’d retired from field work but Agent Coulson managed to get her away from her desk.”

“Surprised she didn’t kill him. Coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks, you ever going to ask out Agent Herd?”

Clint moved away, the agents were almost talking as if Phil was alive but that wasn’t possible. And what was an overkill device? It sounded interesting; he would have to get Stark to hack into SHIELD files. He pushed it to the back of his mind for the moment, he wanted gossip not questions and one of the best places to find gossip was the mess hall.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Nine months after the Battle of New York and Phil’s death saw Clint being able to sleep almost without nightmares. SHIELD was fighting against a centipede and Deathlok while the Avengers were told nothing and left to their own devices. It was rather annoying and Clint almost wished for another alien invasion, almost.

Thor had gone back to Asgard a while ago and was hopping back and forth between his home and Jane Foster. Bruce had decided that he wanted to go back to his simple life in various third world countries; Steve went into SHIELD and demanded to be able to help wherever he could on any mission whatsoever. Tony spent most of his time tinkering with his toys with Pepper forcing him to work on Stark Industries more.

Clint and Natasha stayed in New York with Natasha finally letting Clint be alone for longer than a day. Together they looked after the minor SHIELD and major police department crimes. They spent a month being vigilantes of New York before SHIELD suddenly decided they wanted Clint in Argentina and Natasha someplace else that she wouldn’t tell him.

From that point SHIELD kept sending him from place to place until they went dark and Clint knew nothing. Natasha didn’t pick up when he called her so he finished his current mission with a swift arrow and made his way back to New York only to find SHIELD had been overtaken by HYDRA. Steve and Natasha had had all the fun without him and Fury had somehow managed to get himself killed.

SHIELD was dead but someone was still fighting against HYDRA. Stark had managed to hack into the plane that seemed to be involved with HYDRA, he didn’t manage to get very far into the system but he saw enough to find out Centipede was related to the Super Soldier Serum instead of the creature. The plane landed in New York and the Avengers suited up to join the fight that was happening just a few a blocks from the Tower.

Clint hadn’t been sure what to expect when they arrived but he certainly didn’t expect to see five people fighting against several Centipede warriors, three of which seemed to have almost no experience in combat. Those three were the ones that he tried to protect with his arrows, shooting every soldier that so much as looked in their direction. Then he got distracted by Agent Grant Ward.

Clint had liked Agent Ward, the specialist was a decent shot and they had spent hours on the range snarking at each other. Now Grant was fighting for HYDRA and was pointing a gun at a very familiar figure. Clint almost dropped his bow when saw the person who had haunted his nightmares alive, until the fact that he wouldn’t be alive for much longer if Clint do something hit. He sent an arrow through the traitor’s heart, doing to him what he hadn’t been allowed to do with Loki.

That seemed to be the Hulk’s cue as he came crashing into the fight and smashed every Centipede he could see. The other Avengers helped with the smashing; Thor using his lightning, Tony with his repulsors, Tasha with her awesomeness and Steve wielding his shield like the deadly weapon it could be.

The rush of adrenaline and the satisfaction of winning made Clint forget what he had seen until the cleanup was in progress and the Avengers had been sent back to their tower. He stumbled suddenly as the realisation fully hit him, he had seen Phil and he was _alive_. _Phil was alive_. The team crowded around him, seeming to know he hadn’t just tripped over uneven pavement.

“You okay there, Birdbrain?” Tony asked as Natasha held him by the shoulders to look in his eyes.

Clint stared at her, “He’s alive, Tash, I saw him.”

“Are you sure, Clint?”

“Positive.”

“Okay, we’ll find him,’ she said it with such confidence that he nodded and allowed himself to be lead to the tower and its medical supplies. Being a hero meant getting quite a few cuts and bruises and Pepper always made sure that the Avengers looked after themselves.

Tony was on his tablet as soon as Pepper declared he was fine, the billionaire was searching for anything to do with Phil with JARVIS helping. The only thing he found was that the plane they had been tracking belonged to Phil and his new team. The fact that Phil had a new team hurt, the fact that Phil was alive and hadn’t bothered to tell him hurt even more, he needed to find Phil.

“Uh, guys?” Tony said; a slight waver in his voice, “I found our missing Agent, he’s outside.”

Clint was up and running as soon as the words had left Tony’s lips, Phil was outside and he was the only one who mattered. He skidded to a halt when he reached outside as he realised that ‘outside’ could mean anywhere around the massive building that was the Avengers Tower. Quickly he ascended to the nearest rooftop and scanned the area, a suited figure was walking away at a steady pace and Clint rushed after it.

It took him nearly fifteen minutes to catch up to Phil, rooftops weren’t the easiest to run across in New York. The gun he had and hadn’t suspected, he had dropped out of nowhere and probably startled the agent, was pointed straight at him. The fact that the gun wasn’t lowered when Phil saw who it was made Clint worry slightly that this was just a really good imitation of Phil, and hold up his hands. But Clint knew his husband, it was definitely Phil standing before him and Clint couldn’t help the choked sound that came out of him, “Phil.”

“How do you know my name?” That was not something Clint had expected Phil to say.

What do you mean, how do I know your name? Of course I know your name! Phil-“

Phil straightened his gun and warned, “Don’t come closer.”

“Phil, it’s me, Clint.”

“I don’t know you,” the words sent an arrow through his heart, splitting the pieces that had begun to heal apart once more. Phil walked away leaving the shattered and frozen archer behind him.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

A machine had stolen Phil’s memories away but not just any memories, the memories concerning Clint were the only ones missing. Clint both couldn’t bear to be in the same room as Phil and never wanted to be separated from him again, he compromised by hiding in the ceiling vents. That was where he was currently, in the vents above Phil, Tony and Bruce as Phil told his story.

“If I really do know him, I suppose it’s possible.”

Clint couldn’t take it after that, he jumped down yelling at Phil, “You do know me Phil! And I know you! Don’t you dare do this to me, Phil,” his voice was barely a whisper now, “don’t you dare.”

He was sobbing now, begging Phil not to leave him. Warm familiar arms wrapped themselves around him and he sank into the comfort they provided. He didn’t care if Phil didn’t remember him at the moment, his husband was there and hugging him, something he thought would never happen again. Clint cried harder as everything crashed into him, he clutched at Phil’s jacket and Phil simply held him as they rocked back and forth.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

What followed was a month of agony for Clint, the fact that Phil was there and not there was constantly in the back of his mind. He could barely stand to be in Phil’s presence for a while and instead hid out in the ceiling to watch over Phil. As he stood sentinel he would occasionally drop out of the ceiling with aspirin to help his husband’s migraines.

Clint was there when Bruce joined the dots, hiding in the ceiling when Bruce said that maybe Phil didn’t _want_ to remember Clint. That was harder to hear and accept than simple amnesia was, that Phil had been so devastated by Loki controlling Clint, he had blocked it out of his mind completely.

Following that discovery were several days of Phil meditating with Bruce while Clint watched over him from the vents. Then the Avengers were called to assemble against Loki and they had to fight the Asgardian that had killed Clint’s husband and caused him to block Clint out of his mind when he came back to life.

The Avengers went to face Thor’s brother as Phil stayed behind in the surveillance room Tony had set up in the tower. It was comforting having Phil’s voice in his ear again as Clint shot arrows at the targets that popped up, aiming at Loki quite a few times.

As the fight went on it was almost as if nothing had changed, that they were on a mission where Clint was the sniper and Phil was the handler guiding his shot. He had a whole team with him now but even so, the familiarity of Phil speaking into his ear took Clint back to the beginning.

_Special Agent Coulson, the paper pusher that Clint had just been assigned to, standing over him to ensure he filled out his paperwork._

_Special Agent Coulson showing he wasn’t a paper pusher by saving Clint’s hide with kick-ass ninja moves._

_Coulson patching Clint up after a bad mission._

_Coulson listening to Clint as he explained why he hadn’t shot the Black Widow._

_Phil smiling slightly as Clint collapsed onto his couch and launched into a tirade of all the things the higher-ups had accused him of now._

_Phil slumped over his desk in the early morning softly snoring when Clint came by to pull him away._

_Phil waking up in the infirmary after yet another near death experience and kissing Clint back just as desperately._

Clint was jolted out of his memories as Loki appeared in front of him, pointing a spear straight at his heart and sneering. “Miss me?”

The archer was saved from answering by Mjolnir crashing into Loki as Thor thundered towards his brother. The battle continued with Thor and Loki fighting each other and the rest of the Avengers beating off Loki’s current minions.

Several hours later Loki had been pushed back and the Avengers trudged back to their tower, exhausted and yet pleased that the battle had gone reasonably well for them. The team split with each member starting their after-battle regimes and Clint going to see where Phil had disappeared to.

The sight that welcomed Clint as he entered the surveillance broke his heart again. Phil was curled up in a ball in one of the corners, rocking back and forth. Slowly, so as not to startle the agent, Clint approached his husband and knelt in front of him, “Phil, you okay?”

Phil looked up at him with tears in his eyes; a whimper escaped his throat as he launched himself at Clint. Clint returned the desperate hug just as tightly, hoping against hope that somehow Phil had remembered him and wasn’t simply hugging him because he was the only one there. He murmured soft reassurances as he hugged Phil, offering as much comfort as he could.

Phil pulled back slightly saying, “I’m more than okay, Clint,” and kissing him. Clint kissed back immediately, tears silently making their way down his face as the fact that his Phil was back sunk in. They stayed there, curled around each other with relief and love as they cried.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Clint was no longer devastated, his world had returned to him and he was happy. Phil was there, Phil remembered him, Phil was once again his husband. Soon they would go to the communal living room and tell the team that Phil had remembered. Then they would hide in their room for a few days reassuring the other that they really were there. But that was for later, now they simply held other and sobbed with relief.

Clint was happy.


End file.
